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Tuesday, May 12, 2015

On being a mom...


I spent my first Mother’s Day at the hospital taking care of other people’s babies, but spent some time today reflecting on being a mother and what it feels like navigating this new world of motherhood...

It’s been less than a year but I can hardly remember what he looked like when we brought him home from the hospital, what it felt like to hold him when he was only a little over 6 pounds.

The first days/weeks/months of motherhood were a blur. Part of it was the stress of moving two weeks after he was born, starting orientation when he was three weeks old, spending a few weeks home with him and then starting intern year….but part of me knows that no matter what the circumstances, the first moments of motherhood are a blur.

It’s different than I expected. There is guilt like I knew there’d be, but I thought that it would be about leaving him, about being at work while he was at home. It’s actually more about the feeling that I can’t give him 100% when I’m at home because of the inevitable physical and mental exhaustion that residency brings. And then there was the almost tangible pain that I felt for the first time when Stephen texted me to tell me that he was sick while I was working, and the tug that I felt when he cried for the first time when I was leaving for a shift.

But it’s really less about all those moments and more about the deep joy that I didn’t know existed before he was born. His little hands wrapped around my neck……the excitement of each milestone that he reaches…the newness of each stage…his deep giggle at the smallest things...the joy of watching him discover the world…the sweetness of the little curls around his ears…the heavenly baby smell…the comfort of holding and nursing him…the peacefulness of cuddling him while he sleeps…the new and different love that I have for his dad when I watch them together.


Motherhood is a beautiful, incredible gift...I'm grateful and humbled to be his mom.

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Resurrecting the blog....

I can't believe that it's been months since my last post! There are multiple reasons why I haven't written...intern year has a way of making you feel like you're drowning at times, and I'd say that's the number one reason. I've also felt a little afraid of putting my life out there...sometimes it's easier to just be anonymous and as tiny as my blog is in the wide open expanse of the blogging world, the world of resident physician bloggers is relatively small. Lastly, I don't have much time to read blogs anymore, but when I do it's easy to feel inept when looking at the professional photography and graphic design of other bigger and better blogs out there.

But I've really missed blogging! I love to write and I'm so grateful for the connections I've made in the blogging world. So here I am again, although there's no telling if my next post will be next week or next year. Residency has a way of wrapping you up so tightly in each day that the length and intensity of every shift feels like running a marathon while at the same time making the days fly past so quickly that I sometimes don't even know what season it is...

Case in point, this picture. It feels like yesterday but in actuality was taken in early December, back when Stephen Gabriel was a mere 6 months old and pre-crawling/waving/curly hair/belly-laughing at things to the point where his little eyes well up with tears. Such a difference a few months makes...

Photo by A-B Photography