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Wednesday, October 8, 2014




 ...it's just called intern year. It's hard to explain the implications of those two words to those not in the medical profession. Intern year a.k.a. the first year of residency is at times draining, exhausting, defeating...one of the hardest things I've ever done (I won't say the hardest since that's reserved for childbirth and the time I spent working in Haiti after the earthquake).  Other times, it's glorious and affirming... like last week when my patient's wife hugged me with tears in her eyes and told me how grateful she was, or today when I got all 6 of my intubations. More often though, it's the former. There are days that I come home and feel like I have nothing left, I'm drained to the last ounce.

Part of the reason why intern year is so tough is because you work incredibly hard to get into medical school...and then even harder to make it through medical school...and then when it seems like there should be some sort of reward, you're an intern. A lowly first year resident...feeling like you know nothing most of the time...  at the bottom of the totem pole among all of the residents and physicians. You have the worst schedule, and the most to learn. You still don't feel deserving when people call you "doctor."

The toughest days for me are when I'm away all day or all night and come home on one of the 'drained-to-the-last-ounce' days. I spend so many hours feeling like I'm missing a piece of myself at home..and then when I get home, I feel like I have so little left to give him. But I'm trying, and I know that his daddy is giving him what I can't (although it's hard to accept this sometimes). I also know that he loves me unconditionally...that he'll smile and giggle when I come home and wrap his little arms around my neck no matter how tired I am or how long I've been gone. And I take comfort in that.

9 comments:

  1. You're doing great Dr-mommy McMahon :)

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  2. In my field (clinical psychology), the same term (being an "intern") refers to the final year of doctoral training, much like your last year of residency I would imagine. When I interned at the U. of Chicago Medical Center way back in the day, the medical residents all thought we psych interns were lowly first-years, even though we were almost done. It was kind of funny (and frustrating at times). ;) Anyway, I remember well how utterly drained I felt each day. I was childless then. I don't know HOW you do it with a newborn. But...you're doing it! You're awesome! Keep up the good work! :)

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  3. Dr Erica, I can't even imagine how hard your work must be, and I'm doing a Masters so I'm familiar with hard work. Once your son is old enough to understand what Mummy's job is, he'll be pretty proud to have a Doctor-Mum too.

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  4. Hang in there, girlie! I know you're great at doing all of your roles, even if it feels like you can't do all of them well all at once...

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  5. God bless you, Erica.

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  6. All I can say is wow, truly inspirational. I understand what it's like to feel defeated but remember you must be doing something right because God has blessed you with a wonderful family and the abilities/desire to help those in need. You aren't just trying, you're succeeding

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  7. You're a super mom for real! I can't imagine how difficult working those long, hard hours are on top of being a mom and a wife. It sounds like you're doing an incredible job and I think it's safe to say we all are in awe of you!

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  8. God bless you darling. I can't even wrap my mind around what you're experiencing. I'm already feeling overwhelmed in third year, I can only imagine how hard residency will be. I hope you can take some time to spend with your husband and little bundle of joy!

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  9. It all feels like a crazy blur the first year or two. Just be kind to yourself as much and as often as possible. That's what I would do over. You're doing great. Believe it.

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