My attending physician the other day started talking about how she had her first baby during intern year. She said that she couldn't prepare herself for how she felt...it was such a change to go from carrying her baby with her everywhere, inside of her, to leaving him behind. I felt a deep ache when she talked about it, like it was a glimpse of what was to come that I hadn't anticipated and couldn't really fully prepare myself for at all.
I've thought a lot about what to do with my life these past months. I've struggled about what specialty to pursue and where I'm being called. Struggled about the timing of things. Regretted not having more time with our baby as a newborn before it's even happened. Even considered taking a year off to spend more time with him.
Yesterday I awakened again way too early with random thoughts running through my mind, my hand on my belly feeling the reassuring dance he usually does at 5 a.m. (and 3 a.m.). I got up, and finally certified my match list for residency (the list of the programs where we interviewed in the order of where we want to go). Until then, I couldn't bring myself to make it permanent. But I knew what I had to do and I did it, and ultimately I think that what I did was the best decision for our family and our future. And I'm at peace with that.